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Conflict Free Divorce: 5 Tips for Peaceful Separation

 Conflict Free Divorce: 5 Tips for Peaceful Separation

Divorce is tough and overwhelming, especially when you add children to the equation. Your emotions are running high, your partner’s emotions are running high, and as if that weren’t enough, you have to make sure you protect your children in the process.

That’s all perfectly normal, but try to see the positives in the situation. To start with, if you’re divorcing your partner, something isn’t working - and you don’t owe it to anyone, not even your child, to place your life on pause. Just like anyone else, you deserve to be happy.

Somewhat paradoxically, as soon as you get happier so will your child, although right now it may seem like it’s heading for the complete opposite direction.

Be that as it may, the biggest favor you can do to yourself, your child and your soon-to-be-ex partner is to try to have an amicable divorce. Contrary to what most TV shows show us, it’s perfectly possible when two adults sit together and work towards a common goal.

I’d love to share these five pro tips for peaceful separation.

Agree on the same goal & compromise along the way

When you don’t know what you’re working towards, it’s much harder to get the desired result. Sit with your partner, talk to them and determine a common goal.

If you’re reading this, that goal will most likely be a peaceful divorce and a seamless transition to two homes for the child. Now, while that may seem like an unwritten rule, verbalizing it together with your partner will prove invaluable, and you’ll both have something to think about in moments when it gets especially hard.

Keeping this goal in mind, it will also make it easier to reach compromise when necessary. Your children’s wellbeing comes first, and you both should verbalize it! Words are extremely powerful.

Keep your children out of it

Your children should definitely be informed of what’s going on, but that isn’t to say that they have to be there every step of the way.

For them, this is one of the most stressful periods of their lives so far, so you have to try and make it as easy for them as possible. And don’t worry, kids usually get over their parent’s divorce in around two years and end up growing up happier that children that grow up in problematic marriages.

It’s important to say here to never badmouth your partner in front of your children. On a similar note, never place your child in the middle of your conflict and never make them the messenger. That’s how you build resentment.

Instead, first work on gaining mutual understanding between you and your partner. When that is done, talk to your children and present your co-parenting plan together.

Make sure to be honest, ask for their opinion, wants and needs, and hear their feelings. This will show them that you care, that you trust them, and that you’ll both be there for them, no matter what. You’re still a team.

Find the right lawyer and/or mediator

Consider your goal, and get the right lawyer to assist you in reaching that goal.

Keep in mind that not all lawyers are cut from the same cloth: some are great for peaceful resolution, while others enjoy debating and may take a more aggressive approach.

You will rarely find a lawyer equally well versed in both types of divorce resolution, so I suggest that you ask around for recommendations...

On the other hand, if you both wish to amicably part ways, getting a counsellor or a mediator may be the solution for you.

Pro tip: Lawyers who have experience as mediators are usually great at peaceful resolution!

Watch your language, use “I” instead of “you”

Words can be extremely triggering if you don’t use them carefully, especially in highly tense situations like divorce. Try to use neutral language to avoid any unnecessary conflict.

One way to do this is to try to speak completely rationally, and eliminate any emotion from your sentences. Start looking at your relationship like a business relationship, it will come in handy even after divorce when you start co-parenting.

Finally, it’s much better to use “I” sentences instead of “you” sentences. You will still be able to express your thoughts and feelings, but they will seem much more subjective. When you use “you” sentences, it sounds like you’re putting all the blame on the other person, and no one likes that.

Check this out - 1) You promised that we would always live this certain way. 2) I don’t feel comfortable with the changes we’re making in our lifestyle.

I’m sure you already understand.

Leave the past in the past

Try to release any grudges you may hold, and focus on the future instead.

It will help you rise above any negative emotion, and rise up to the situation as the best version of yourself. Don’t get hung up on small things that are already behind you, there’s nothing you can do to change them now.

Something didn’t work, you’re both unhappy which is why you’re getting that divorce, and you have a happier future to look forward to!

Sometimes, peaceful separation won’t be an option

Suffice to say that in some situations, a peaceful divorce just won’t be an option. This may happen in cases with a history of abuse, addiction issues, or because one of the parties just refuses to behave reasonably.

It’s important here to never blame yourself, and just do your best in the interest of your child. Get the help of a lawyer, or other professional, and follow their advice.

Keep it up after divorce

When you have children, it doesn’t end after divorce. You now have to co-parent and adjust to a whole other family dynamic. It may seem like a lot, but you’ll quickly get a hang of it.

For a smooth transition, I recommend that you look up co-parenting apps designed to make your life easier.

Our own FamiliPay is an all-in-one co-parenting app complete with a shared co-parenting calendar, shared payments system, and a communications intermediary center.

You can start your three-month free trial today!